


10 am

by moonlight_jukebox



Series: The Aftermath [1]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: ALL THE ANGST, Angst, F/M, Gen, just all of it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:08:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26325397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonlight_jukebox/pseuds/moonlight_jukebox
Summary: After JJ’s confession, everything is turned upside down. Reader will do anything to help the broken hearted Dr. Reid…or will they?
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Reader, Spencer Reid/You
Series: The Aftermath [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1915579
Comments: 5
Kudos: 63





	10 am

**Author's Note:**

> Reader is Gender Neutral.

In the months since I had started working with the Behavioral Analysis Unit, several things had become very clear.

The most glaring of those things was how I felt about Dr. Spencer Reid.

Those feelings were only made more complicated when it was revealed that I wasn’t the only one that had those sorts of feelings for him.

We had all heard JJ’s confession. She loved Spencer. She always had, and she always would.

With everything Spencer had been through, my heart broke for him. Even if it wasn’t with me, all I wanted was for him to be happy.

That fateful day, the only eyes that met mine belonged to Luke Alvez. I think he knew my secret without me saying anything. After all he was probably the only other person in this room that understood what it was like to be around someone you had feelings for every single day and that person not have those feelings back.

The team had decided to go to a bar down the block. Rossi was off on his honeymoon, happily remarried and the rest of us shouldn’t look so glum. At least that’s what the eternal ray of sunshine that is Penelope Garcia said.

JJ had politely refused, saying she wanted to go spend time with her boy.

I saw Spencer flinch, but I’m not sure anyone else did.

So, Simmons, Alvez, Garcia, Prentiss, Reid, and I had all came out to this overcrowded bar. I tried to have a good time with the team, I really did. But it was impossible for me to be fully invested in anything when my heart was breaking in two for the man with curly hair that sat at the bar.

Using the excuse of getting a refill, I made my way over to the bar. Reid was circling the rim of a glass with amber color liquid in it, his eyes looked almost out of focus. He visibly tensed when I walked up beside him, but after a beat his shoulders slumped again.

“How are you doing?” I asked softly. “It’s probably a dumb question, I know.”

He just let out a huff of forced amusement. “So, you heard too right?”

I just nodded, unable to hide the worry in my eyes.

“It’s alright. It just makes things feel more…complicated,” he mused, his fingers tapping against the bar. “We went on a date once, about 14 years ago. She didn’t know it was a date…then she met Will and had Henry and made this whole big life.”

My heart lurched while I listened to his words. It was like he was just speaking out loud to himself, like I wasn’t even there.

“And when I realized she loved Will I was sad, sure. But I got over it. I moved on. I’m the godfather of her fucking kids and all this time…” he trailed off.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered out into the room, because I was. I was sorry he ever experienced a moment of pain.

Reid didn’t acknowledge that I had spoken. “She was the only person other than…other than Maeve that _ever_ made me feel anything like that. And she could have _been mine_.”

I didn’t speak, I don’t think he wanted to hear me anyway. He just needed to say the words.

“I would have been so good for her, so good. I could have made her happy.”

_I’m sure you would have._

He drained his glass, not looking at me as he walked away from the bar. His dismissal left me feeling cold. Almost as cold as I had felt that day when JJ ruined him.

\--

Several hours later, the evening was wrapping up. Simmons had gone home a long time ago; Prentiss and Alvez were taking a very drunk Garcia home. I suppose it was just me and Dr. Reid left.

But I didn’t feel like I was with him.

I’d never be with him.

I hadn’t seen him in the last 20 or so minutes. I saw him talking to some girls at the bar. Maybe he was losing himself in them, trying to dull the pain of having another love ripped away from him.

I was thankful I stopped drinking hours ago, sticking with water for the remainder of the night. I was perfectly fine to drive, which was a relief. I wanted to go home.

I was sitting at my table, debating about walking back to the FBI parking garage or calling a car to take me when I felt someone walk-up behind me. I tensed even further when I felt fingers brush over the back of my neck.

I went to turn my head when the hand gripped my neck firmly. “Don’t,” he whispered.

I only relaxed slightly when I realized the voice was Reid’s. “Why?”

His hand moved up my neck until his long fingers wove into my hair. “I don’t know.”

Right when his hand left my body, I realized he had never touched me before tonight.

Free of his hold, I stood up, careful not to brush my body against his. I navigated my way through the crowd of people, desperate to reach the front door.

He didn’t reach me again until I was already outside. “Where are you going, y/n?”

“Oh,” I just laughed, like I hadn’t been running from him. “Back to my car. I’m not drunk. I’m just going to drive home.”

It all happened so quickly I wasn’t even sure how he did it. I felt Reid’s hand on my upper arm, spinning me to face him; the next instant my body was between a brick wall and his own. “I don’t want you to go.”

He pressed his pelvis into me; it was a very bold move and it let me know he was aroused.

I forced out a breathy laugh. “Did the girls at the bar not do it for you?”

Something lit behind his eyes. “Jealous?”

All I could do was repeat his words from a few minutes ago. “I don’t know.”

“I didn’t touch them. I was…looking for someone special. Someone that I could take home. I wanted someone that I wouldn’t have to hold back with. I wanted someone who would _scream_ for me.”

His words were almost dripping with his own need. I didn’t know what to do, he overwhelmed me. 

“Then I realized…I had already met that someone.” He leaned forward to brush his nose against mine. “I’ve seen how you look at me, y/n.” My breath caught in my throat; shame coated my body. “Let me make you feel good, baby.”

Spencer Reid’s lips _almost_ touched mine before I pushed my palm against his chest, moving him away from me. He didn’t resist my refusal, that’s not the kind of man he is; but he did look confused.

“You haven’t really seen how I look at you,” I said simply.

He just smirked. “Are you saying you don’t want to fuck me?”

“I do, of course I do.” I held up my hand to stop him when he took a step forward. I couldn’t think when he was too close to me. “But all you want is someone to sink your cock into until you feel better about JJ. And I wish I could be that for you, Reid, I do.”

“Why can’t you?”

“Because it might heal you, but it would destroy me,” I whispered, unable to keep the tears out of my voice.

Reid looked alarmed. “I’d never hurt you.”

“Not intentionally. But you would. You haven’t seen how I really look at you.”

After a beat, enlightenment seemed to dawn on his face. “Oh.” He shifted back, putting more space between us that only caused the cracks in my heart to grow larger, deeper.

He licked his slightly chapped lips. “I can’t…I can’t give you that. But I can give you this. I can give you tonight.”

My whole world seemed to still for a moment. I blinked at him, forcing myself to remain calm. “I just told you a night with you would destroy me because I have feelings for you. And your response is to ask me to rip myself apart to help put you back together?”

“Yes,” he said, without a moment’s hesitation.

Perhaps I didn’t know Spencer Reid at all. Maybe I had fallen in love with a Spencer Reid that existed only in my mind. My Spencer would laugh at my jokes, hold me on the couch while we watched movies, and press kisses all over my face when I was waking up every morning.

This Spencer had just asked me to put myself through unimaginable heartache because he was sad he couldn’t have JJ.

The most revolting thing of all was that I _almost_ said yes. It almost seemed like a fair trade. He would get to forget for a few hours, and I would finally know what it was like to be in his arms. I almost thought that the heartbreak would be worth it.

Almost.

“No.”

I have never been more proud of myself than in that moment.

Reid looked momentarily stunned. “I can’t give you anything else.”

“Then you don’t have to give me anything.” I walked up to him, raising up on my tiptoes to press a kiss to his stubbled cheek. “I’m sorry you can’t have her Spencer, but I can’t give you what you need.”

He moved away from me quickly. “I know.” Those golden-brown eyes didn’t look at me again as he walked away, leaving me out in the cold.

This cold felt the coldest of all.

**Author's Note:**

> A follow up to this has been requested a few times on Tumblr. So, never fear.


End file.
